Brick Walls-Restaurant Food-WATCH OUT

Why is it when we are trying to make changes for the better that it is easy to hit a brick wall. When we feel like we are done and can't go without that chocolate or fast food any longer!   Ed and I went to dinner for Valentines Day and I ordered pasta. Not the best choice. I only ate 1/3 of it. I got home and looked up the content of the food. 1500 calories and 87 grams of fat. I normally would have ate that whole thing.  Realizing what is in restaurant food has taken the fun out of eating out for me. Wow! 1500 freak'n calories. Of course by eating 1/3 of that I probably had 500 calories and 29 grams of fat. So i should atleast feel good that I stopped when I did.  Why didn't I just order the salad? I guess salad is kindof boring sometimes and you eat out for entertainment.  The waiter kept coming back and asking if I was ready. I didn't really feel like Salmon which is a healthy choice there and I couldn't see paying the bucks for a salad since I eat them everyday for lunch.  I think it took me about 20 minutes to decide and i caved and went for the fattening pasta! Yuck!  (It really did taste good though :) ).  I said to my husband that I should just order what i want and not worry about because it was Valentines Day and just because I feel like it.   He said something to the fact that now you know how people who drink alcohol feel.  We both surrendered to the temptation that eating was about enjoying yourself on a special holiday. He joked with me that I should just enjoy it today because the next holiday isn't until St. Patricks day :)  Why is that we give our self allowance on our health on holidays.  Why is it so hard to overcome that temptation.   Sometimes I wonder if I am addicted to food. Is everyone else around me addicted to food!?  Are we all eating for entertainment and not to sustain are life? That question is something I hope to understand better one day.  So even though I give myself a thumbs down for ordering the pasta. I should give my self a thumbs up for only eating what I did!

2nd week

This week has been a lot harder to stick to the exact recipes. I guess it was because I was bored already with them. We did spaghetti one night with wheat noodles and marina sauce. It was a step to a healthier meal. I loved the rolled up turkey in a wheat tortilla with tomatoes and a little avocado with cinnamon sprinkled over it.  I have not had sugar in two weeks.  I was craving it like crazy yesterday and went to Target and filled that craving with a Banana Strawberry V8 juice which I didn't love as much as the blueberry pomegranate one I had a few days before. Walking through the store was such a temptation to buy something so sweet but I didn't. I fought the urge and instead went with the juice and a little pack of nuts. I weighed in for the first time in 2 weeks and have lost 4 more lbs. Since Martin Luther King day the first time I weighed in  and what started the cause of great concern for me I have lost a total of 9 lbs and 2.5 inches.  I have been super happy with my progress.
 I do want to note that it is not easy to buy pass those sweet craving for desserts and sweets.  Today I was asked to make a cake for a president days dinner that is being held in my community.  I have loved the cake and frosting the several times I have indulged in a few pieces of it at our family parties.  Lately when I have been craving something sweet the thoughts come to my head "Don't tempt your taste buds"  I have done really good but the lack of willpower today took over and I licked the spoon of the Oh! so good chocolate frosting. To my surprise it tasted too sweet and I decided that going any further with eating it was just not worth sabotaging all the hard work I did the past two weeks. I even licked my finger and thought to myself. 'I have got to wash my hands I can not take any more of that disgusting stuff!' I sure hope that it is my mind set and change of taste buds that makes me feel like it doesn't taste that great and not because I screwed it up. If it is the latter there will be a lot of disappointed eaters tonight....but maybe I will be doing them a huge favor...he he he he he!

Time Out

I was able to attend a Time Out for Women conference.  Last night and all day today.  I felt empowered by the things that were spoken there. As speakers were talking I didn't think once about my physical health but more my spiritual health. I realized in evaluation of myself today that it also needs some serious attention and has felt neglected as has my physical health.  I really felt inspired by a speaker that talked about Embracing Change! She said we should look forward to that change because the energy that comes from it is good and helps us give others hope.  I really feel that I need to embrace the changes my body has made over the last couple years with PCOS and thyroid and even though it is a challenge I need to be proactive and excited to make the change.  I have felt very successful so far.  I have lost 1.5 inches around my waist.
 I was happy that I had been thinking ahead about lunch and threw in a whole wheat tortilla. I had an awesome wrap at Wendys with their Mandarin Chicken Salad.  I didn't feel a bit bad to pass up the so often ordered grilled chicken sandwich with added cheese, a frosty, and fries.  I felt full and satisfied. I felt good that I had stuck to my guns in a time that would have been easy to cave.
So what life lessons did I learn to day...to many to count so maybe I'll write a book and then one day I can share it :)

A down day

Today is a downer day for reasons so personal i dare not write them down.  Know this.. I wanted to turn to food but instead turned to the exercise bike instead of food to help with my feelings. I have wanted to avoid eating. I am good at that one when I feel the way I do right now.  I forced myself to prepare a salad and it actually tasted good.  Onward ever Onward!

Doctors Appt. w/Buttermints and Cookies

I went to the OB today.  I have to admit that I was embarrassed to say out loud to him that the reason I was there was to get overall health advice because I felt like I was out of control.  As those of you that know me can guess, I was emotional talking about it. Although I did feel a relief to have a MVP on my team who could coach me through some things from his knowledge.  Without going into the dirty detail of my personal health history, he acknowledge that the plan I am following is good and then gave me other resources to turn to.  He gave me encouragement and support to make some permanent changes.  He was not pushy to force me or make me think I needed to do a certain thing rather he gave his advice and then told me that I would be able to do it.  He left decisions up to me of what I am going to do but is supportive in any of them.  It was good!
I also attended a Relief Society meeting that taught us how to make butter mints. Oh man, my mouth just melts thinking about them.  I really was truly interested in how they are made and of course with a bunch of sugar and a bunch of butter.  I was offered a couple times to take one.. But I resisted.  Can I hear a shout out for Jill!  GO JILL!!  I passed up one of my favorite things.  I was thinking ' I have went one whole week eating very healthy and exercising.  Since I have 5,000-10,000 taste buds that change every 3-5 days.  Why tempt my taste buds! Now will I never have another butter mint in my life? Of course not.  One day I plan to try to make them.  I just couldn't see that a butter mint would taste that good for all the hard-work I have done. Surprisingly, I didn't feel that bad to pass it up. Rather empowered! I know one day I will be in the presents of a buttermint and be able to taste one. And than stop at that one! For now, I am trying to establish habits and patterns that will effect my future forever.
My pampered chef cookie scoop came today. Funny how I have been wanting one for so long and I was going to make cookies as soon as I got them. However, i do love cookies perhaps more than buttermints and i don't think there is anyway I could avoid that temptation right now. I'm sure I can find some good use for it.

Girls Night Out

We signed the papers on the sale of our house and I have to admit that it was emotionally hard. A flood bank of tears was streaming down my face and I just couldn't stop. The girl at the title company offered me a bowl of chocolate to help me feel better. I declined! :) Looking back I'm glad I did because of some of the feelings I was having, I sure wanted that bandaid. Wouldn't a piece of chocolate make it feel atleast a little better.
 I came home feeling rather down about the deal and sure wanted to just go to bed and sleep the night away.  I was feeling a little anxious and vulnerable to go with me friends who in my eyes are skinny beautiful hotties!   My whole life it has been hard for me not to compare myself physically to other people.
   I remember the first time I became aware of my body and the dissatisfaction I felt was when I was quite young and was in a dance class. We were being measured for our costumes for our year end recital.  I felt quite embarrassed to be measured in front of everyone and that my numbers were higher.  I thought then that I was big.  I have always had a little gut even when I was really young.  I also was not built petite. Looking back I now realize that half the girls I danced with were built that way and they were tiny.  Thus my first comparison of my body to others started. 
    In junior high, I had a so called friend that gave me a health and fitness magazine and told me that I should read it and apply it in my life because I was fat. I was really hurt by that.
     In highschool I found true friends who really did care about me and saw the good in me. However, I was unable to see the good in myself physically. I remember Senior year my two best friends being elected for Sr. Cotillion queen.  Of course i was jealous that they had been elected and I felt the reasoning behind why I wasn't was because they were skinny and I was "fat".  This is to no fault of theirs but more the fault of my own insecurity.  Looking back on my pictures of that time I was not "fat" I wasn't really skinny either.  I was healthy!  I was in dance and active. I had a lot of muscle. I was in good shape. Compared to them I was bigger but the bigger wasn't bad.  Just in my mind it was.  I look back on those pictures now and wish I would have found the strength in myself that I could see what was really looking back in the mirror.  I hope one day that I can share these experiences with other young girls so that they can see their real beauty.
  Needless to say I think I treated my body the way I viewed my body which was fat.  I ate what and when and where I wanted because it didn't matter I was fat.  These are feelings I still need to overcome but part of making a healthy lifestyle change is seeing the best in yourself so you treat yourself to only the best.
    Now knowing a little history you may understand why it was a little hard to feel completely excited on a down day to go with my friends and on top of that to go eat out.  I went anyway.  I was glad I did. I have told my friends about my change and they were not only supportive but interested in the things I had learned so far. I was grateful for their support and genuine interest in my lifestyle change. I felt empowered to be able to share with them things I had learned. I felt sincerely loved by true friends. True friends see the inner strength in you. They see the outer part of you but they know so much about the inside that the outer part becomes transparent. Thanks to them for their support.
    So what did I eat at Chili's.  I looked up the restaurant nutrition facts before I went and typed in ideas on google of what I could order. Wow! Eating out can be really unhealthy. I was glad to learn that they drenched their buns in butter and asked for wheat bread without butter. I got a grilled chicken sandwich and ate half of it. I was satisfied and it tasted good!  Woot! Woot! for a successful girls night out!!

Monday

Today has been particularly hard.  I have outside emotions tempting me to eat and things will be all better. Nothing that I won't survive..but I sure wish I had some Ben and Jerrys icecream or  a big fat snickers today.  Today is the day I have been questioning why am I doing this. Why eat like I am..though the food really has tasted good that is no lie.  Why am I blogging about it?..in the long run I hope it is because I can print this and it can be a history for me.  I wanted some chocolate today so I grabbed the dark chocolate cocoa bar recommended to buy and I took one bite.  It is bitter! Good thing.  I thought 'it doesn't matter what you are eating Jill- healthier or not if you eat based on your emotion then you will always eat based on your emotion'.   That will be the hardest part of my bad habits to kick.